12 posts tagged “teenagers”

The repetition of every day life kills.
It ruins the flow of my creative juices. No joke. On days that I sleep in, I go to bed feeling exhausted, and yet, I never sleep on the weekends, when I should want rest. I don’t.
It would be a waste of freedom.
Why spend time on parole in seclusion, you know? I’m only tired on weekdays - only when I know I have to drag myself out of my fucking room to take a shower and go to school, and then maybe off to work. Maybe I’m not tired. Maybe it’s just a natural defense against running myself into the ground with routine.
I feel pale, and sick, and run down... For no reason. I eat right. I see the light of day. I breathe fresh air all the time. I love the outdoors. Shit. I'm pretty content with my life. But between Monday and Friday I feel so transient... My head isn’t in the clouds - My feet aren’t on the ground. Where am I?
I don’t know, but frankly, it sucks.

I have some good friends. We party or talk about 'deep' stuff or I can just tell them anything I want. The occasional dramatic scene is worth it. People naturally don’t get along with one another. It’s all a matter of how tolerant people are. I have some tolerant friends. In turn, I think I put up with my share of bullshit. It’s like a cycle of tough loving. But it works. It keeps me sane. In the end I think we really do love each other. bahaha, aweee?

So I’ve decided to spill it; the beans, the juice, my guts... Whatever you want to call it, consider it spilled.
Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of keeping just about everything true about myself, to myself... and for good reason - what people don’t know, people can’t use against you. I guess that’s my first confession. I fucking despise the way people operate. The way people go out of their way to find things out, only to throw them senselessly (BLINDLY) into conversation later. I don’t know if its intentional, (I guess that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t,) but frankly, it gets to me. Its the same kind of prying aggravation I feel when someone starts moving shit around in my room, or on my table. Stop putting hills in my rugs! Please. Call me OCD but if I put something somewhere, chances are, I wanted it there and it should remain that way. Its the same for anyone else. Let one’s own business remain that way.

anyways.

I’ve fallen into a depression lately - not emotionally, but I feel like my ability to open up to people has peaked over the past two years. I used to be so ready to say anything, without caring how it affected me, but recently I’ve become so protective of myself, not because I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, but because I might make myself look bad-- it’s disgusting. I never used to be so self-absorbed. Its like in every situation, I’m wearing a mask... Not just one mask, in fact, but many masks; Masks to hide masks between people - to hide certain sides of myself from those who disapprove where others don’t. I try so hard to win the approval of everyone. Why? Fucked if I know. I just love being the center of attention I guess.

And all this time I thought myself to be humble.

No sir. not at all.

But then, who really is humble?
Everyone wants to be loved, right? So am I wrong in looking out for my own well being? Who knows? It makes me sick to my stomach, regardless. I’ve unknowingly stumbled across so many insecurities lately that I feel like a different person at times. It’s like I’ve been born all over again, to a world where I have to carry myself differently. I’m still opinionated, I’m still eagerly in search of answers, but my motives have changed. I do it for myself now; for the praise and admiration I earn as a result of my actions, not for the simple pleasure found in just "doing it".
Maybe its all just part of growing up, as they say. Maturing... You know? But does it continue to change?
 
Will I stop acting like such an asshole? Who knows. It worries me. I don’t want to be like this, but its who I’ve become... What’s worse is that I don’t know who or what to blame for the transformation. That would be too easy, right?

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

On Sunday, my ex asked to to go out with him again, I said yes- so I'm not single anymore. Personally, I think that the break-up was stupid, it led nowhere, just right back where we started. I guess the whole "finding what else is out there" didn't work out too well for him.
I guess it didn't work out for me either, well I didn't even try. I don't think I really want to, I'm in a stable relationship now and I'm happy.

As far as school goes, I'm not doing too good. The thought of education makes me sick, the thought of college makes me sick. But I really do want to get into a good college, I hope I do.

That' about it I guess, this was a stupid entry I know. But, it's just a little update.

So my boyfriend just dumped me. Well, I guess he's my ex now. I don't even know why he did. He said he needed space or time to be alone. Yet it doesn't make sense, he wants to see other people. I'm so confused, I loved him so much. I gave up so many things for him, I didn't apply to Dartmouth-my dream college, because he didn't want me to be far away. I didn't apply to Brown or Northwestern. My grades, are so low, I'm failing. My best friend and I don't seem to have the same bond as before. My relationship with my parents worsened.
Did he not think of these things when he broke up with me? Did he give up anything for me? All I asked was for him to stop smoking. I only wanted the best for his health. And he didn't stop.
I guess he was lying when he told me he "loved me" or he "wants to spend the rest of his life with me" . You don't just stop loving something out of no where.

And I, I was a fool to believe him. Not only did he break my heart once, he did it again. He shattered into a million pieces.

Things aren't going so well. Everyday I go outside and I put on a fake smile, act like nothing's wrong. Outside-when I am not home, I am happy. I feel great, I seem to have every reason to live. I'm motivated to do my school work and be successful in life.
But once I get home, it's all over. I feel so depressed, the thoughts keep coming back. I can't stop it. There is so much negativity around me-from my mother and everyone else at my home.
I don't have a good relationship with my mother, I don't think my mother had a good relationship with anyone. She is not the type of person anyone would want to be friends with.
I come home and it's the same thing over and over again. The abusing never stops, sure she doesn't hit me-well atleast not anymore; but the things she says hurt-a lot. She doesn' know when to stop.This is supposed be the time where I should be getting love and support from my family. But instead I get mean words.  

Maybe some people aren't  meant to be happy-maybe I'm just one of those people. Life hasn't been treating me well lately. I try so hard, but never get anywhere. My efforts are useless.
I feel so motivated at times but when reality hits-I know I'm not going to accomplish anything. Maybe life isn't for me. I don't know.

Fresh Starts,

Thanks to the calender, they happen every year.
Just set your watch to January.
our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year, bringing on the great tradition of new years resolutions, put your past behind you, and start over.
A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins?
It's not a day on a calender, not a birthday, not a new year.
It's an event.
big or small, something that changes us.
Ideally it gives us hope.
A new way of living and looking at the world.
Letting go of old habits, old memories.
Whats important, is that we never should stop believing we can have a new beginning.
but its also important to remember that amid all the crap, there are a few things really worth holding on too.

♥

No one believes that their life will turn out "just kind-of" okay.

We all think we're going to be great, or at least some part deep down inside us.

And from the day we decide to be a certain someone, or something, we are filled with expectations.

Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, who we will touch, and the difference we will make.

Great expectations of who we will be. Where we will go, and then...
We get there.

We all think we're going to be great.
And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.

But sometimes, our expectations sell us short

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You have to wonder why we cling to our expectations;

the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing, still.

The expected is just the beginning.
grear
the unexpected, is what changes our lives