4 posts tagged “suicide”

"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."

I found that in my old diary, looking back at what I've written before really shows how much I've changed. My recovery from my depression has been an evolution not a miracle. I've gone through hard times from the help of my friends- one friend to be exact. All my friends did help me, but this friend helped me the most.

Although she does not know it, she's helped me go through my depression and help me completely recover from an eating disorder. I couldn't live with my self knowing that I killed my self...if that makes any sense. The plans we made, for the future is what kept me going, I had something to look froward to.

The cure for depression doesn't lie in therapy or in the hands of a doctor. You need to find a reason to live, you need to know there are people out there who care about you and love you. You need to make plans, for next week, a month later-for the future.

So find someone, someone you could completely trust and hang out with them. Spend time with that person and you'll soon find a reason to live again

Things aren't going so well. Everyday I go outside and I put on a fake smile, act like nothing's wrong. Outside-when I am not home, I am happy. I feel great, I seem to have every reason to live. I'm motivated to do my school work and be successful in life.
But once I get home, it's all over. I feel so depressed, the thoughts keep coming back. I can't stop it. There is so much negativity around me-from my mother and everyone else at my home.
I don't have a good relationship with my mother, I don't think my mother had a good relationship with anyone. She is not the type of person anyone would want to be friends with.
I come home and it's the same thing over and over again. The abusing never stops, sure she doesn't hit me-well atleast not anymore; but the things she says hurt-a lot. She doesn' know when to stop.This is supposed be the time where I should be getting love and support from my family. But instead I get mean words.  

Things aren't going so well lately.My parents are driving me nuts. I'm tried of hearing people say : "They're only doing this because they care about you." Yeah Right! You don't even know how much of a pain they are. There is a fine line between discipline and abuse, and they crossed that line.

I decided that I am going to be applying early decision to Dartmouth College. I want to be as far away from them as possible. I know I am going to miss New York, and all my friends here, but I can't take it anymore. Maybe going away for a while is just what I need. I need time to think and figure out what to do with myself. And Dartmouth is perfect, its a good school, in a quiet area and I might actually get in.

Maybe some people aren't  meant to be happy-maybe I'm just one of those people. Life hasn't been treating me well lately. I try so hard, but never get anywhere. My efforts are useless.
I feel so motivated at times but when reality hits-I know I'm not going to accomplish anything. Maybe life isn't for me. I don't know.