38 posts tagged “school”

I love so much and think so little. Spend my time doing, instead of contemplating. I mean, I think enough, I just don't over do. I think that's why I'm so happy. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I think far too much than I'm meant to, but I think I work on balancing it out with the whole "wearing my heart on my sleeve" thing. It works for me, at least. 

I have far too much time on my hands, and not enough to do. I keep myself busy with little tasks and things I can laugh at later. Its probably a "self protection" thing One of those things you do to keep yourself from thinking. Maybe that's why I think so little. I'm not too sure. 

I spend a lot of my time doing things people may see as "childish". I escape into disney movies, building forts in my bedroom, coloring in coloring books, and mixing funny things together to see how it'll taste.  I'm a teenager, but I'll be doing this until I'm 75 I'm sure. At least I hope. 

Hope. That's another big thing. I hope for a lot of things. Hoping for hope is the biggest. Another thing about me is that I don't "hope" for material things. Near never, though I have been known for the occasional materialistic want. I hope for experiences. I hope to be able to put myself into situations where I can change myself. Where I can change the way I think. Better myself. 

I don't take myself too seriously. Come to think of it, I don't take myself seriously at all. I'm a simple person. I don't think too much. I worry just enough for the ones I care about. I don't have any hidden meanings, or things I wish I would have said. I'm good at the art of shrugging things off. 

As doctor seusse once said, "think what you want, but mean what you say" something along those lines anyways. 

Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, graduating high school, saying goodbye; that feeling that you get at 17 or 18- that nobody in the history of the world has ever been this close, has ever loved as fiercely or laughed as hard, or cared as much. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday - and sometimes it feels like someone else's memory.

I think I'm feeling somewhat homesickish. I guess I'm not ready to share space with strangers, I think thats what's bothering me. I miss being a complete mess. I can't do all the things I did at home, turn the light of in my room when I want to, run to the fridge when I'm hungry and oh--watch TV.

I miss going into the living room and plopping down on MY couch, a comfy couch it was, and turn on the TV. All the stuff in the dorm isnt mine, all I have is my clothes and a few items I need for daily life. I miss being able to leave things lying around.

I need more space, my space! And I dont want to share it. I think I'll be an RA, I believe they get singles and they dont even pay for housing, doesn't that sound wonderful. Oh and a job wouldn't hurt either.

Mabye I ask for too much?

Moved out. Yes that's right--I've moved of of my parents home. If you have been reading my blog, you probably know that I've been talking about moving out from the very first day.

Well, it's happened. And being on my own is stressful, but easier in a sense. I have my own rules, eat when I want leave when I want and oh the best part of it all--sleep as much as I want. But I haven't really been getting any sleep. I have to go to class, and do home work and run around campus.

Sharing a dorm with two other people is a little tough. I'm not too good with sharing spaces, but it's working out. Hey atleast I have my own desk and own closet. Some of my friends, who are in college dorms, have told me that they do not have any space for thier clothes, I'm glad I have tons of space.

I keep reminding my self that I am paying a good amount of money--wait no an extremly large sum of money, more than an average housholds icome, to attend this school. I have to, cross that out--MUST-- do well. There will be no laziness and no procassination, I will get my work done.

The past week was possibly THE best week of my life, I spent so much time with people who really bring the best out of the people around them , and it was awesome.
these past few years and last week especially, have taught me a lot about myself- a lot.
They’ve taught me about myself, more than I ever thought I could know and that I am a much stronger person than I was giving myself credit for.
They’ve also taught me quite a bit about the people I choose to surround myself with and how I love each and every one of them as if they were my own blood.

I can only hope that being in touch with these people, or new found friends, will be something that continues to happen.
I've met a lot of people along the way who have definitely impacted my life even if the time with them was short lived, every single person I met, whether it be at school, in passing, have known all my life but never took the time to really KNOW, or in another way has definitely made the experience what it was.

I’d like to thank anyone whose been a part of my life, as i said, whether it were in passing or someone I'd seen daily. You’ve all been something special i would not have been able to do this with out.

You know when I was a freshman, I wasn't a very good person. And over the last four years, I've been forced to grow up. I stopped letting other people define me, and I started believing in myself, and in my potential ,and I became my own person, and I designed a clothing line, and somewhere along the way, the lost little party girl became the girl on the with hope of a better future. And I know what I did was wrong, I know, but the girl I was when I came to this school, I'm not sure she would've. And isn't that the point of high school? I mean, isn't that what you guys have been trying to teach us for the past four years?
I never thought that I'd miss high school so much, I've made amazing friends and learned so much about others as well as my self. I really am going to miss these people and I hope they are a part of my life when I am older.
As for me, I am headed to St John's University studying political science, but I will never stop designing clothes or modeling. And helping others with depression, addiction and eating disorders has become a part of my life.
I am content with who I am, and I understand my mistakes and am "adult" enough to face the world.
So watch out world, here I come.

There are moments in our lives where we find ourselves at a crossroads, afraid, confused and without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us choose to turn around and go back, but once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or give someone a second chance, something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream, because it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you are, that you discover who you can be. The person you can be does exist, beyond the hard work, faith, belief, and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead.

Every year it seems like the months go by faster.. when I was younger, time used to go by so slow and I wanted so much from life but I had to wait until school was over. I had to wait for what my mother called "growing up" - I am almost out of high school. I'm 17 now and the days are going by so fast it's hard to look back on everything.. You sometimes don't realize what you have accomplished until you sit down for a second and reflect on everything that's happened in life. You remember where you came from and it makes you actually feel like you've done something important.

SO much has happened this past year. A few years ago I was just a depressed kid from New York who had a dream, becoming a model. I'd look at everyone in front of the camera and think "I should be there.." I'd think that being behind the scenes wasn't for me. Seeing others on stage made me want this more than anything.. and now [fast forward] I've danced in front of 3000 people. I've done photoshoots, been in flims.. I've worked so hard for what I wanted..I've met so many amazing new friends along this journey and now I can support myself and buy everything I've ever wanted.. I can say fuck you to all the nonbelievers and I LOVE YOU too all the people who understand what I'm about and enjoy WHAT and WHO I am.. it's crazy to think I was just some kid who people thought would never be anything. I always felt like I never wanted follow the boring path that everyone else was gonna take and I stuck to what I believed in. It's funny when people pretend to dislike me and say "what do you even DO?."

I'm a actress, model, clothing designer and beauty queen ;)
BUT, I don't do ANYTHING right?

Now I can sit here and reflect on life and realize that I'm actually HAPPY sometimes.. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I was so used to being  unhappy, that I forgot to look at the past, if that makes sense..
I have so much planned for the next year.. there are so many things to accomplish and I can't wait to start doing it all.. If you ever feel like giving up [because we all do, I feel like that all the time..] just know that anything is possible

I love being able to laugh and smile about life.. I guess, I just want everyone to not feel so closed in about the future. When you're 16, you can't have it all. You have to wait and suffer and go through life, it's called LIVING. And it may suck right now, but it makes you who YOU are. I'm glad I haven't had everything handed to me, because then I wouldn't appreciate it at all.

The repetition of every day life kills.
It ruins the flow of my creative juices. No joke. On days that I sleep in, I go to bed feeling exhausted, and yet, I never sleep on the weekends, when I should want rest. I don’t.
It would be a waste of freedom.
Why spend time on parole in seclusion, you know? I’m only tired on weekdays - only when I know I have to drag myself out of my fucking room to take a shower and go to school, and then maybe off to work. Maybe I’m not tired. Maybe it’s just a natural defense against running myself into the ground with routine.
I feel pale, and sick, and run down... For no reason. I eat right. I see the light of day. I breathe fresh air all the time. I love the outdoors. Shit. I'm pretty content with my life. But between Monday and Friday I feel so transient... My head isn’t in the clouds - My feet aren’t on the ground. Where am I?
I don’t know, but frankly, it sucks.

I have some good friends. We party or talk about 'deep' stuff or I can just tell them anything I want. The occasional dramatic scene is worth it. People naturally don’t get along with one another. It’s all a matter of how tolerant people are. I have some tolerant friends. In turn, I think I put up with my share of bullshit. It’s like a cycle of tough loving. But it works. It keeps me sane. In the end I think we really do love each other. bahaha, aweee?

So I’ve decided to spill it; the beans, the juice, my guts... Whatever you want to call it, consider it spilled.
Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of keeping just about everything true about myself, to myself... and for good reason - what people don’t know, people can’t use against you. I guess that’s my first confession. I fucking despise the way people operate. The way people go out of their way to find things out, only to throw them senselessly (BLINDLY) into conversation later. I don’t know if its intentional, (I guess that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t,) but frankly, it gets to me. Its the same kind of prying aggravation I feel when someone starts moving shit around in my room, or on my table. Stop putting hills in my rugs! Please. Call me OCD but if I put something somewhere, chances are, I wanted it there and it should remain that way. Its the same for anyone else. Let one’s own business remain that way.

anyways.

I’ve fallen into a depression lately - not emotionally, but I feel like my ability to open up to people has peaked over the past two years. I used to be so ready to say anything, without caring how it affected me, but recently I’ve become so protective of myself, not because I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, but because I might make myself look bad-- it’s disgusting. I never used to be so self-absorbed. Its like in every situation, I’m wearing a mask... Not just one mask, in fact, but many masks; Masks to hide masks between people - to hide certain sides of myself from those who disapprove where others don’t. I try so hard to win the approval of everyone. Why? Fucked if I know. I just love being the center of attention I guess.

And all this time I thought myself to be humble.

No sir. not at all.

But then, who really is humble?
Everyone wants to be loved, right? So am I wrong in looking out for my own well being? Who knows? It makes me sick to my stomach, regardless. I’ve unknowingly stumbled across so many insecurities lately that I feel like a different person at times. It’s like I’ve been born all over again, to a world where I have to carry myself differently. I’m still opinionated, I’m still eagerly in search of answers, but my motives have changed. I do it for myself now; for the praise and admiration I earn as a result of my actions, not for the simple pleasure found in just "doing it".
Maybe its all just part of growing up, as they say. Maturing... You know? But does it continue to change?
 
Will I stop acting like such an asshole? Who knows. It worries me. I don’t want to be like this, but its who I’ve become... What’s worse is that I don’t know who or what to blame for the transformation. That would be too easy, right?