9 posts tagged “sadness”

"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."

I found that in my old diary, looking back at what I've written before really shows how much I've changed. My recovery from my depression has been an evolution not a miracle. I've gone through hard times from the help of my friends- one friend to be exact. All my friends did help me, but this friend helped me the most.

Although she does not know it, she's helped me go through my depression and help me completely recover from an eating disorder. I couldn't live with my self knowing that I killed my self...if that makes any sense. The plans we made, for the future is what kept me going, I had something to look froward to.

The cure for depression doesn't lie in therapy or in the hands of a doctor. You need to find a reason to live, you need to know there are people out there who care about you and love you. You need to make plans, for next week, a month later-for the future.

So find someone, someone you could completely trust and hang out with them. Spend time with that person and you'll soon find a reason to live again

What does life mean to you?

who do you see yourself  being in 10 years? 20?
you may think you know.
but you never do.
growing up as a child and even now, most people have the same goal, get through schooling, get a job, a house, a happy family, and fall in love and die of old age.

but that's not reality. Its conforming.

Life is a series of mistakes, you make mistakes , you learn, and you proceed to make then next mistake. and you learn again.
If you live your life planned, falling the conformity of our society then how can you make mistakes?
Those who make mistakes learn, and knowledge in school can only get you so far, because what happens when schools done and over with? Life.

most people don't hit the reality of life until there forced to.

but me, and many people take the road less traveled, we may go through more, deal with more shit, and not follow everyone else, but in the end, we will be so much stronger. Pain and suffering, may seem useless and undesirable, but its just a blessing in desguise.
with out pain, you get no hope, with out hope, you never reach your goal.

all in all life is full of ups and downs, twist and turns. hills and mountains. but everythingyou overcome, makes you that much stronger,

for me life is about learning, and teaching.
giving back my knowlegde to people around me, not advice, for advice is one sided. its what the person thinks you should do. but really its what you think you should do. and as a friend they shouldnt tell you what to do, because you wont learn. they should guide you. not give you the answer.
ever hear a teacher say giving the answer to you wont help you to learn?

well its true, but that's because most likely they've gone through life's ups and downs and know. they've learned and now they are teaching.

Some people say to me when i get upset, "don't worry it always gets better"
but that is completely false, nothing gets better, if anything it gets worse.
forcing you to learn form your mistakes, and being able to deal with life.
whatever life can throw at you, it will.
and it wont be easy, and its not supposed to be.

you build your own life, you make it yours.
not what people want it to be.
and in the end, you make your own reason for life,

so now tell me,

Whats life mean to you?

Sometimes I hate being right. I hate getting these feelings, I hate being able to know something bad is going to happen, and not being able to do anything about it.
I get this little tingle where my heart is supposed to be, my stomach feels like it's been flipped. I get really sleepy and I dream. These dreams are not what I want to see. These dreams, I do not want.
The line between reality and dreamland fades as time goes by, and soon both worlds collide.
As of now, my stomach and heart are tingling. I slept today, I slept yesterday.
Sleeping, something that doesn't come too easily. Even after all that sleeping; I am tired. So very tired, I want to rest, shut my eyes for real this time and see nothing at all.

I really do hope I am wrong this time, please let me be wrong. I hope I cannot sleep again, I hope I don't dream. I hope what's written in your palm is a lie.

Let me address something quickly: very, very, very few people know what love actually is.

Love isn't being stupid and not letting go when someone hurts you,
that's stupid. that's desperation. that's the feeling of being afraid to be alone.

I hate kids claiming they're in love, because that's a total load of crap. Very few people know what love is.
You have to grow up to understand love, be mature. most of you- aren't, sadly.
They know what "afraid-to-be-alone" syndrome is or the "omg-he's-so-sweet/hot" but they don't know love
BECAUSE "OMG! HE PROBABLY JUST WANTS IN YOUR PANTS!!!"

they think it's that fuzzy feeling in your tummy.
that's a crush. another, simpler word for infatuation.

love is being there for somebody.
being their best friend.
accepting the fact that they make mistakes,
working at it. but not letting them run over you.
it's knowing not to let go when things get hard.
it's not letting your friends know every detail of your relationship
BECAUSE your relationship is your business.
not Sally's. or Sue's. or Bob's. or whatever your friend's name is.

She crushes my heart
But spares my mind
She rips & tears my body apart
Yet she leaves my soul behind
How can I stand to deny her?
Once you’ve had a taste you’ll try her.

Love for food has come back
She slashes me with whips of emotion
I try to run but always come back
To my seething devotion
Back to my best friends;
Ana & Mia

She wreaks my bones
But mends my soul
She’s a jealous one; I serve her alone
She leaves me broken & yet I am whole
How can I stand to resist or doubt her?
I simply cannot exist without her.

My body is sick and I’m tired
But my mind is sharp and I’m fired
A feeling like this
Are Ana Mia’s blessed bliss.
My mouth pulses with revulsion
With my fevered devotion
For my best friends;
Ana & Mia

She shows me my bones
And tells me how she’s proud
But she ignores my moans
And tells me to sleep when I cry aloud
How can I stand not to lie for her?
When I would gladly die for her.

Another day; another fast
Maybe Ana & Mia will take me home at last
“Am I skinny enough now?” I ask as I close my eye
“You’ll be skinny enough when you die.”
Ana & Mia reply
It’s not a lie

Facts:
- I miss you
- I love you
- I would swim the ocean for you, but I can't swim so..yeah

Sometimes I break down so hard you can hear it, and when I can stand to come near it with means to repair, the chances of walking out unscathed are slim to none.
I know because I’m one; a victim of second-hand breakdowns and bad impressions, made under intoxicated conditions with poorly lit expressions.
And I regret not going back, I regret not missing flights, I regret not asking for more and taking chances that I can only hope will not be forgotten.
My fingers are crossed.
I love you.
Now my telephone’s dead and I can’t stand to hold out like this, but I’m constantly checking myself so as not to be a burden.
Anything too heavy eventually gets dropped, no matter the cost.
Let me be light as a feather, but valued enough so as to remain in a back pocket, until those jeans need washing and I find my place on a bedside table, to be read aloud on nights when memories and prying needs return to haunt the foundations of this room.
Pick me up, read me every now and then,I won’t disappoint. I am witty and engaging so bless me with attention, because I’m dying without you.

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

We all know the story of Pandora and her box. At her time, humans lived in happiness and had no troubles. Pandora was given a box as a gift, but she was told not to open it. But Pandora's curiosity got the best of her, one day she could take no more so she opened the box.
Out came misery, illness, grief, sadness, and all the sorrow of the world. At the very end out came hope.
That little ray of hope that flew out of Pandora's box keeps me going. That little bit of hope lets me believe that he will come back to me.
Although we look at hope as a good thing, we rarely see how it can tear us apart. Why should be be hoping for a better life? Why should we hope to have our love come back to us? Why couldn't Pandora keep her stupid box shut?
This is why we have sadness in the world, because a pretty little featherhead couldn't do a simple task.

Moving on, sounds so much easier than it is. I doubt I'll ever move on, I love him so much. Why doesn't he see the my love for him is real, why doesn't he see that I'm dying with out him?
How could I possibly move on? I don't even know why I am so head-over-heals for this guy. I'm tired of hearing people say "You can do better", "He's as asshole, he doesn't know what he's missing out on" or "What a jerk, just forget him." Ok, so he really doesn't know what he just let go, but I can't forget him! I just wish, I wish that this would've never happened!
I wish that he would've never broken up with me. Does he think of me? Does he miss me, even a little? Does he still love me? Or even have feelings for me? Does he sometimes wish he didn't do what he did?
What does he want to find out there? What more could he ask for in a girl? As conceited as I am going to sound right now, I know I'm not ugly, I'm not repulsive or weird looking, I'm actually kind of hot. There I said it, I think I'm beautiful!
I know I dedicated my self 100% to this relationship, so why did he break up with me? I doubt he's going to find someone like me out there.
I know I can get any guy I want, I'm tired of people telling me that. I want him, only him. I'm tired of people telling me to go out and find a new guy, I don't want a new guy. I hope, he realizes that I'm the only one for him