11 posts tagged “sad”

I miss you, I miss you so much. I miss the old you.
The one that would tell me that he loves me, the one that would always want to see me.
I miss they guy who would randomly write on my wall and tell me that he'd want to spend the rest of his life with me.
I miss those nights where it just be you and I.
I miss the way we'd talk, talk about the future or cars and sometimes dresses. I miss you walking me to the train station. I miss the guy who'd ride the train home with me.
There is so much that I wish remained the same. Will it go back to the way it was? I can't stand to loose you, I lost you twice. And it devastated me, I can't loose you again.
And here I am, wondering if things will work out. Trying to make things right, hoping it'll go back to the way it was.
But are you willing to do the same?

Love stinks. It really does. People would warn me about love, about how it screws you up. How it plays tricks on you. I remember being younger, dating guys for the hell of it. Never realizing that one day the tables would turn on me.
I never had relationship issues, the thing with me was that I'd get over guys pretty easy. It was simple: just get a new guy. Plus I've never been left before, so I had no reason to worry.
But now, I'm older, things are a bit more serious. I fell for a guy, I fell hard and fast, don't even know why. I've never fallen so hard before, never have I thought of someone like this before. But here I am, same girl from a few months back, same girl who would never let a guy take control of her emotions, same girl who said "I would never get hurt, because I usually hurt the guys."
Yeah, the same girl. The one who'd everyone look at and think that she'd never fall for a guy like that. No, I was too strong, too strong to love like that. Too strong to have a silly emotion to take control of my entire life.
Look at me now, I'm the one hurt. I'm the one thinking to myself "Wtf happened?" How could I let this happen? How did I loose myself like this?
It hurts to look back at the girl I used to be, will I ever be like her again? Will I ever be as strong as her? I've learned my lesson, I really have.
I'm going back, back to my old ways. Back to the ruthless, apathetic little girl. The girl with no emotions what-so-ever. The girl I really am.

I'm getting this awkward vibe from my boyfriend, like we don't seem to be on the same page. I feel that he is drifting away from me. Half the time, I don't even know what he's doing. He barely talks to me, like before he'd be online all the time so we could talk and now, it like "hi" "hey"......
It's not like before, he doesn't tell me he loves me as much as before and it's just so frustrating to not know whats really going on his head! He doesn't ask me if he'll see me anytime soon, we don't make plans to meet. Before he'd ask if I could hang out, but now, it's like he's going out all the time! I don't even know what he's doing out.
He changed his relationship status on facebook, I'm in a relationship-all by myself. And when I asked why, I didn't even get a proper explanation, I am so confused. Does he not one anyone knowing he has a girl friend?
He just randomly signs of on aim, like before he'd tell me "I have to go" or "g2g" and we'd say "i love you" and stuff. But now, he just signs off, no byebye.
Is he seeing someone else behind my back? Or trying to see someone else? I really don't know.

I don't know how many times I've repeated to myself "everything's gonna be alright, just breath, wait it out.", trillions probably. And yet, IS everything going to be alright? no, a lot of things aren't alright, and aren't going to get better. You may see me as a pessimist, but that's how I think. I have my good days and bad, but really, ever since we're born, we're dieing, be it inside, or out.

Lately, I've had to make a bunch of huge decisions about myself, on my own, and I've been scared out of my mind whether i made the right decision. I hate making decisions, I hate choosing for myself. 
Usually I'm not like this, and a really laid back person as far as everyone sees, but things have just been caving in lately.

I've always done what i wanted without really thinking, choosing what I want to do at the time, and doing it. I'm one of those people who pick goals, and work for them until they get what they want. You know, those people who don't stop at all, until they get that thing. Well, that's usually me. And probably you too, And probably someone else also. Then, around us, other people are sitting down, relaxing, taking life very easy, and somehow waiting for death and nothing else. it's a very interesting contrast, and when you think about it for too long it gets confusing.

honestly, these are millions of questions running around in my mind.

I'm sure its normal for every person to have a time, or more times in their lives where they just stop and question it all, and need someone to just listen to them, and no matter who it is going through it, its all really, really confusing.

so is everything going to be all right?
i don't know.

cancer, treatments, global warming, people dieing, people leaving, things changing, drugs.

Moving on, sounds so much easier than it is. I doubt I'll ever move on, I love him so much. Why doesn't he see the my love for him is real, why doesn't he see that I'm dying with out him?
How could I possibly move on? I don't even know why I am so head-over-heals for this guy. I'm tired of hearing people say "You can do better", "He's as asshole, he doesn't know what he's missing out on" or "What a jerk, just forget him." Ok, so he really doesn't know what he just let go, but I can't forget him! I just wish, I wish that this would've never happened!
I wish that he would've never broken up with me. Does he think of me? Does he miss me, even a little? Does he still love me? Or even have feelings for me? Does he sometimes wish he didn't do what he did?
What does he want to find out there? What more could he ask for in a girl? As conceited as I am going to sound right now, I know I'm not ugly, I'm not repulsive or weird looking, I'm actually kind of hot. There I said it, I think I'm beautiful!
I know I dedicated my self 100% to this relationship, so why did he break up with me? I doubt he's going to find someone like me out there.
I know I can get any guy I want, I'm tired of people telling me that. I want him, only him. I'm tired of people telling me to go out and find a new guy, I don't want a new guy. I hope, he realizes that I'm the only one for him

So my boyfriend just dumped me. Well, I guess he's my ex now. I don't even know why he did. He said he needed space or time to be alone. Yet it doesn't make sense, he wants to see other people. I'm so confused, I loved him so much. I gave up so many things for him, I didn't apply to Dartmouth-my dream college, because he didn't want me to be far away. I didn't apply to Brown or Northwestern. My grades, are so low, I'm failing. My best friend and I don't seem to have the same bond as before. My relationship with my parents worsened.
Did he not think of these things when he broke up with me? Did he give up anything for me? All I asked was for him to stop smoking. I only wanted the best for his health. And he didn't stop.
I guess he was lying when he told me he "loved me" or he "wants to spend the rest of his life with me" . You don't just stop loving something out of no where.

And I, I was a fool to believe him. Not only did he break my heart once, he did it again. He shattered into a million pieces.

Things aren't going so well. Everyday I go outside and I put on a fake smile, act like nothing's wrong. Outside-when I am not home, I am happy. I feel great, I seem to have every reason to live. I'm motivated to do my school work and be successful in life.
But once I get home, it's all over. I feel so depressed, the thoughts keep coming back. I can't stop it. There is so much negativity around me-from my mother and everyone else at my home.
I don't have a good relationship with my mother, I don't think my mother had a good relationship with anyone. She is not the type of person anyone would want to be friends with.
I come home and it's the same thing over and over again. The abusing never stops, sure she doesn't hit me-well atleast not anymore; but the things she says hurt-a lot. She doesn' know when to stop.This is supposed be the time where I should be getting love and support from my family. But instead I get mean words.  

Fresh Starts,

Thanks to the calender, they happen every year.
Just set your watch to January.
our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year, bringing on the great tradition of new years resolutions, put your past behind you, and start over.
A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins?
It's not a day on a calender, not a birthday, not a new year.
It's an event.
big or small, something that changes us.
Ideally it gives us hope.
A new way of living and looking at the world.
Letting go of old habits, old memories.
Whats important, is that we never should stop believing we can have a new beginning.
but its also important to remember that amid all the crap, there are a few things really worth holding on too.

♥

Honestly, I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. In about 8 months I'll be on my own. I always wanted to leave home and run away before, but now that I'm older- and it's time for me to leave; I realize that I'm really not ready to be on my own. I'm never going to be able to pay for college and rent. I'll probably never be able to leave home, which will be awful. So I'll be stuck in this mad house forever?

Today me and my best freind were taking the train home, (lately we've been talking about our future) it came down to the same conversation we usually have, what's going to happen when we're in college. I'm pretty sure she'll get into a really good college, maybe even a ivy league, but me- i might not even get into any college. I'm not even sure what I want to do in the future!

So she tried figuring out what I was good at, and you know what that was? NOTHING! I'm good at nothing at all. My best freind couldn't even figure out what I'm good at, and that's just sad. I'm a pathetic looser wasting space on earth.