14 posts tagged “nyc”

I think I'm feeling somewhat homesickish. I guess I'm not ready to share space with strangers, I think thats what's bothering me. I miss being a complete mess. I can't do all the things I did at home, turn the light of in my room when I want to, run to the fridge when I'm hungry and oh--watch TV.

I miss going into the living room and plopping down on MY couch, a comfy couch it was, and turn on the TV. All the stuff in the dorm isnt mine, all I have is my clothes and a few items I need for daily life. I miss being able to leave things lying around.

I need more space, my space! And I dont want to share it. I think I'll be an RA, I believe they get singles and they dont even pay for housing, doesn't that sound wonderful. Oh and a job wouldn't hurt either.

Mabye I ask for too much?

So I’ve decided to spill it; the beans, the juice, my guts... Whatever you want to call it, consider it spilled.
Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of keeping just about everything true about myself, to myself... and for good reason - what people don’t know, people can’t use against you. I guess that’s my first confession. I fucking despise the way people operate. The way people go out of their way to find things out, only to throw them senselessly (BLINDLY) into conversation later. I don’t know if its intentional, (I guess that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t,) but frankly, it gets to me. Its the same kind of prying aggravation I feel when someone starts moving shit around in my room, or on my table. Stop putting hills in my rugs! Please. Call me OCD but if I put something somewhere, chances are, I wanted it there and it should remain that way. Its the same for anyone else. Let one’s own business remain that way.

anyways.

I’ve fallen into a depression lately - not emotionally, but I feel like my ability to open up to people has peaked over the past two years. I used to be so ready to say anything, without caring how it affected me, but recently I’ve become so protective of myself, not because I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, but because I might make myself look bad-- it’s disgusting. I never used to be so self-absorbed. Its like in every situation, I’m wearing a mask... Not just one mask, in fact, but many masks; Masks to hide masks between people - to hide certain sides of myself from those who disapprove where others don’t. I try so hard to win the approval of everyone. Why? Fucked if I know. I just love being the center of attention I guess.

And all this time I thought myself to be humble.

No sir. not at all.

But then, who really is humble?
Everyone wants to be loved, right? So am I wrong in looking out for my own well being? Who knows? It makes me sick to my stomach, regardless. I’ve unknowingly stumbled across so many insecurities lately that I feel like a different person at times. It’s like I’ve been born all over again, to a world where I have to carry myself differently. I’m still opinionated, I’m still eagerly in search of answers, but my motives have changed. I do it for myself now; for the praise and admiration I earn as a result of my actions, not for the simple pleasure found in just "doing it".
Maybe its all just part of growing up, as they say. Maturing... You know? But does it continue to change?
 
Will I stop acting like such an asshole? Who knows. It worries me. I don’t want to be like this, but its who I’ve become... What’s worse is that I don’t know who or what to blame for the transformation. That would be too easy, right?

For everything that you go through, there are times when you don't have to be strong.

There are times when it's healthy to cry, to scream, to be mad.

And whether its madness in anger, or sadness, or in both, you dont have to pretend to be strong.

when every heart beat hurts.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it all, all we really want is to be close to somebody.

So this thing where we all keep out distance, and pretend not to care about each other, its usually a load of bull.

So we pick, and choose who we want to remain close too. And once we've chosen these people, we tend to stick close by.

no matter how much we hurt them.

I took ballet in my school and last Friday I got to dance at the Metropolitan Opera House! I wanted to dance there since I was like in third grade. My class, (in third grade) went on a trip there to see the nutcracker. From that day I made it one of my goals to dance at the met. And I finally accomplished it. :D
I'm thinking I will continue taking ballet in the summer. I took dance classes when I was little- but I really didn't enjoy it. My mom would force me to dance. But now I realized, I really enjoy ballet. I actually like putting on my shoes and dancing. i really like getting ready for the show, I get to put on lots of make-up.
I think I will also do ballet in college, and maybe even after college. So here are some pics from the show:

I haven't written in a long time. I didn't really study for the SAT's as much as I thought I would. I did ok though. On the essay I wrote about Britney Spears. The essay was about fame. School is closing soon. My best freind and I did get the job at Department of Finance. It's only for 6 weeks. Due to budget cuts they lowered our salaries. :(  It's ok, atleast we have a job.
It is extremely hot outside. It's 99 degrees Fahrenheit. It's much worse here in New York, We already have a lot of people-and the crowds make it hotter than it should be.
I'm glad summer is here, but I would like i if it was cooler.

I have a three day weekend because of memorial day. I really needed a nice long break. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and when I think too much my head hurts.
It's funny sometimes I feel like just giving up and other times I want to succeed and do well.  Honestly, I do not know what to do with my self anymore.
Sometimes, I feel as if I can do well and live the life I've always wanted to live, other times I feel like I'm probably going to have a stupid job.

Back to the three day weekend, I'm planning to study. i know-I always say that and then never end up studying. But this time I will.
I started writing a college essay-the essay's you send with your application. It's about me! It's turning out pretty good, except for the fact that my thoughts are scattered and I'm getting no point across.

Do you want to know something funny? My best freind, Ayema-scares the crap out of me. I'm more scared of her than I am of my mother.  Is that normal? When I do something bad, like cut class, I think "Oh no I shouldn't do this. Ayema will be mad at me".
And usually I ask Ayema before I do something. This is a little strange isn't it? But I can tell Ayema everything, but sometimes I'm scared if she's going to get mad at me for my actions.
This is really funny, I told her that today. She just laughed-she was mad at me because I didn't go to gym and of something I said. I would write it down, but it'll make her angrier. I don't want to upset her. OMG...see how it is?

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