14 posts tagged “nusrat”

Fresh Starts,

Thanks to the calender, they happen every year.
Just set your watch to January.
our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year, bringing on the great tradition of new years resolutions, put your past behind you, and start over.
A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins?
It's not a day on a calender, not a birthday, not a new year.
It's an event.
big or small, something that changes us.
Ideally it gives us hope.
A new way of living and looking at the world.
Letting go of old habits, old memories.
Whats important, is that we never should stop believing we can have a new beginning.
but its also important to remember that amid all the crap, there are a few things really worth holding on too.

♥

Honestly, I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. In about 8 months I'll be on my own. I always wanted to leave home and run away before, but now that I'm older- and it's time for me to leave; I realize that I'm really not ready to be on my own. I'm never going to be able to pay for college and rent. I'll probably never be able to leave home, which will be awful. So I'll be stuck in this mad house forever?

Today me and my best freind were taking the train home, (lately we've been talking about our future) it came down to the same conversation we usually have, what's going to happen when we're in college. I'm pretty sure she'll get into a really good college, maybe even a ivy league, but me- i might not even get into any college. I'm not even sure what I want to do in the future!

So she tried figuring out what I was good at, and you know what that was? NOTHING! I'm good at nothing at all. My best freind couldn't even figure out what I'm good at, and that's just sad. I'm a pathetic looser wasting space on earth.

In the eighth grade, my class had to read Romeo and Juliet.

I told my teacher that Juliet was an idiot. For starters, she falls in love with the one guy she knows she cant have. Then she blames fate for her bad decision.
My teacher explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window.

Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together; but just for a while, and then their time passed. If they could have known that beforehand, maybe it all would've been okay.

I said that when i was "grown-up" I would take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down.
My teacher said I'd be lucky if i ever had that kind of passion with someone.
And if i did, we'd be together forever.

Even now, i believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending.

And sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions,

fate wins anyways.

Pain comes in all forms.

the small twinge, soreness, the random pain.
The normal pains we deal with everyday.
Then theres the kind of pain you just can't ignore.

A level so great that it blocks out everything else. Makes the whole world fade away. Until all we can think about is how much we hurt.

the sad thing is; most of the time, this pain so huge, does not come from something physical. It comes from the people we trust and love the most.

How we manage our pain, is up to us.

Pain. We take extra pills, embrace it, ignore it and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Pain. You just have to ride it out. Sitting there wishing you weren't hurting so much, isn't going to change anything.

You just have to ride it out, and hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breath deep and wait for it to side.

Most of the time pain can be managed. But sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. It catches you way below the belt and doesn't let up.

You just have to fight through it. Because the truth is, you cant outrun it and life always makes more.

I took ballet in my school and last Friday I got to dance at the Metropolitan Opera House! I wanted to dance there since I was like in third grade. My class, (in third grade) went on a trip there to see the nutcracker. From that day I made it one of my goals to dance at the met. And I finally accomplished it. :D
I'm thinking I will continue taking ballet in the summer. I took dance classes when I was little- but I really didn't enjoy it. My mom would force me to dance. But now I realized, I really enjoy ballet. I actually like putting on my shoes and dancing. i really like getting ready for the show, I get to put on lots of make-up.
I think I will also do ballet in college, and maybe even after college. So here are some pics from the show:

I haven't written in a long time. I didn't really study for the SAT's as much as I thought I would. I did ok though. On the essay I wrote about Britney Spears. The essay was about fame. School is closing soon. My best freind and I did get the job at Department of Finance. It's only for 6 weeks. Due to budget cuts they lowered our salaries. :(  It's ok, atleast we have a job.
It is extremely hot outside. It's 99 degrees Fahrenheit. It's much worse here in New York, We already have a lot of people-and the crowds make it hotter than it should be.
I'm glad summer is here, but I would like i if it was cooler.

I have a three day weekend because of memorial day. I really needed a nice long break. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and when I think too much my head hurts.
It's funny sometimes I feel like just giving up and other times I want to succeed and do well.  Honestly, I do not know what to do with my self anymore.
Sometimes, I feel as if I can do well and live the life I've always wanted to live, other times I feel like I'm probably going to have a stupid job.

Back to the three day weekend, I'm planning to study. i know-I always say that and then never end up studying. But this time I will.
I started writing a college essay-the essay's you send with your application. It's about me! It's turning out pretty good, except for the fact that my thoughts are scattered and I'm getting no point across.

Do you want to know something funny? My best freind, Ayema-scares the crap out of me. I'm more scared of her than I am of my mother.  Is that normal? When I do something bad, like cut class, I think "Oh no I shouldn't do this. Ayema will be mad at me".
And usually I ask Ayema before I do something. This is a little strange isn't it? But I can tell Ayema everything, but sometimes I'm scared if she's going to get mad at me for my actions.
This is really funny, I told her that today. She just laughed-she was mad at me because I didn't go to gym and of something I said. I would write it down, but it'll make her angrier. I don't want to upset her. OMG...see how it is?

03-20-08_1140

Today was an average day, I spend the whole day thinking.
If you know me really well, you probably know that I really want to be in a pageant. I applied for Miss Teen New York USA, and i got accepted.
Now I am a state finalist. I've been thinking if I should really go. I have never been in a pageant before, I have no past experience, and this is a big competition.
I probably don't even have a chance. The pageant fee is $1000, I do not have that type of money. I can get sponsors, but sponsors are hard to find. I know, go to family run businesses, but I live in new york city, most of the businesses are giant mega businesses. They are like chain stores.
I'm really not sure what to do, I dot what to go and  not win.
I'm really at a confused state right now.

Recently, I've been worried about my weight. I know I shouldn't be worried, I only weigh about 95 pounds. But my stomach has been expanding. It's not flat like it used to be. I think I'll start working out.
Girls have been obsessing over their weight for the longest time.  I don't want to be like those crazy anorexic girls. I don't want to binge and then barf. It's not healthy. Yet I can't help it.
My whole future seems to be depending on my looks, and I can't gain weight.
Usually I eat one meal a day, and thats lunch. For lunch, I normally have a cheese sandwich and a pespi. And sometimes after school, I go out and have a snack.
Hopefully, I won't be gaining much weight.