21 posts tagged “new york”

The past week was possibly THE best week of my life, I spent so much time with people who really bring the best out of the people around them , and it was awesome.
these past few years and last week especially, have taught me a lot about myself- a lot.
They’ve taught me about myself, more than I ever thought I could know and that I am a much stronger person than I was giving myself credit for.
They’ve also taught me quite a bit about the people I choose to surround myself with and how I love each and every one of them as if they were my own blood.

I can only hope that being in touch with these people, or new found friends, will be something that continues to happen.
I've met a lot of people along the way who have definitely impacted my life even if the time with them was short lived, every single person I met, whether it be at school, in passing, have known all my life but never took the time to really KNOW, or in another way has definitely made the experience what it was.

I’d like to thank anyone whose been a part of my life, as i said, whether it were in passing or someone I'd seen daily. You’ve all been something special i would not have been able to do this with out.

Miss Southeast New York's Outstanding Teen- that's me.

I finally entered a pageant and won! Well, I drove all my buddies insane with all the "pageant talk" I've been doing for the past few years, yes years- but it was all worth it.

I'm so excited and yes, nervous for the state pageant this june. I have so much work to do, I need to be prepared.

I will be dancing to Esmeralda from Don Quoixte (sp?) for my talent. I'm not sure if I should dance on point or not. I want to, but I'm not trained in pointe, I know my feet are strong enought but- it scares me a little.

I know I can't get a dance instructer now, my parents wouldnt want to pay for it. Maybe I should take the risk, just train my self. It might work out, after all "You'll never know unless you try" .

Here are some pics from the pageant. I know I'm slouching but my dress was coming off, the tape lost it's sticky[ness after a while. (Note to self: buy smaller dress)

So I’ve decided to spill it; the beans, the juice, my guts... Whatever you want to call it, consider it spilled.
Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of keeping just about everything true about myself, to myself... and for good reason - what people don’t know, people can’t use against you. I guess that’s my first confession. I fucking despise the way people operate. The way people go out of their way to find things out, only to throw them senselessly (BLINDLY) into conversation later. I don’t know if its intentional, (I guess that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t,) but frankly, it gets to me. Its the same kind of prying aggravation I feel when someone starts moving shit around in my room, or on my table. Stop putting hills in my rugs! Please. Call me OCD but if I put something somewhere, chances are, I wanted it there and it should remain that way. Its the same for anyone else. Let one’s own business remain that way.

anyways.

I’ve fallen into a depression lately - not emotionally, but I feel like my ability to open up to people has peaked over the past two years. I used to be so ready to say anything, without caring how it affected me, but recently I’ve become so protective of myself, not because I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, but because I might make myself look bad-- it’s disgusting. I never used to be so self-absorbed. Its like in every situation, I’m wearing a mask... Not just one mask, in fact, but many masks; Masks to hide masks between people - to hide certain sides of myself from those who disapprove where others don’t. I try so hard to win the approval of everyone. Why? Fucked if I know. I just love being the center of attention I guess.

And all this time I thought myself to be humble.

No sir. not at all.

But then, who really is humble?
Everyone wants to be loved, right? So am I wrong in looking out for my own well being? Who knows? It makes me sick to my stomach, regardless. I’ve unknowingly stumbled across so many insecurities lately that I feel like a different person at times. It’s like I’ve been born all over again, to a world where I have to carry myself differently. I’m still opinionated, I’m still eagerly in search of answers, but my motives have changed. I do it for myself now; for the praise and admiration I earn as a result of my actions, not for the simple pleasure found in just "doing it".
Maybe its all just part of growing up, as they say. Maturing... You know? But does it continue to change?
 
Will I stop acting like such an asshole? Who knows. It worries me. I don’t want to be like this, but its who I’ve become... What’s worse is that I don’t know who or what to blame for the transformation. That would be too easy, right?

For the past few months all I ever did was think of you. All day, all night; I'd sit there and wish things were like the ways they were before. I miss those long walks we took everyday. The way we would talk about living together after high school, spending every moment of my life with you.
I don't know if you realize that you mean so much to me, much more than anything.
I miss you, I missed you before. It's sunny out, and the weather is reminding me of you. Remember last year, everyday: I'd spend everyday with you. I'd give anything, anything for those days. Anything to have to back, back the way you were back then.
And now you're gone, planning to move far far away, hundreds of miles away, in a sunny place, where you can walk everyday. And here I am, staying in New York, knowing that I will miss you terribly, more than I miss you now.
Having thoughts of moving to paradise to, along with you; but I don't know if you'd want me there.

Things aren't going so well. Everyday I go outside and I put on a fake smile, act like nothing's wrong. Outside-when I am not home, I am happy. I feel great, I seem to have every reason to live. I'm motivated to do my school work and be successful in life.
But once I get home, it's all over. I feel so depressed, the thoughts keep coming back. I can't stop it. There is so much negativity around me-from my mother and everyone else at my home.
I don't have a good relationship with my mother, I don't think my mother had a good relationship with anyone. She is not the type of person anyone would want to be friends with.
I come home and it's the same thing over and over again. The abusing never stops, sure she doesn't hit me-well atleast not anymore; but the things she says hurt-a lot. She doesn' know when to stop.This is supposed be the time where I should be getting love and support from my family. But instead I get mean words.  

Maybe some people aren't  meant to be happy-maybe I'm just one of those people. Life hasn't been treating me well lately. I try so hard, but never get anywhere. My efforts are useless.
I feel so motivated at times but when reality hits-I know I'm not going to accomplish anything. Maybe life isn't for me. I don't know.

No one believes that their life will turn out "just kind-of" okay.

We all think we're going to be great, or at least some part deep down inside us.

And from the day we decide to be a certain someone, or something, we are filled with expectations.

Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, who we will touch, and the difference we will make.

Great expectations of who we will be. Where we will go, and then...
We get there.

We all think we're going to be great.
And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.

But sometimes, our expectations sell us short

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You have to wonder why we cling to our expectations;

the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing, still.

The expected is just the beginning.
grear
the unexpected, is what changes our lives

For everything that you go through, there are times when you don't have to be strong.

There are times when it's healthy to cry, to scream, to be mad.

And whether its madness in anger, or sadness, or in both, you dont have to pretend to be strong.

when every heart beat hurts.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it all, all we really want is to be close to somebody.

So this thing where we all keep out distance, and pretend not to care about each other, its usually a load of bull.

So we pick, and choose who we want to remain close too. And once we've chosen these people, we tend to stick close by.

no matter how much we hurt them.