3 posts tagged “model”

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sprawled out across the floor collecting dust

Oct 5, 2009
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I’m not going to care about whats “cool” or “in” to wear, I’m going to wear what I like and let my socks not match.
I’m going to say what I want and hold nothing back; this is not being rude, and not being mean - but if I have something to say there is no more holding it in.
I’m going to color, cut, shave off my hair whichever way I choose; no asking what your opinions are, because I honestly dont care anymore.
I’m going to smile with teeth and laugh during pictures, have my camera out all the time and take these moments in film - we arent getting any younger.
I’m going to get all those tattoos or piercings i’ve wanted forever - like what you do, say what you want, think what you want, i really could care less if whoever doesnt like them.
I’m going to wear mismatched stuff if thats what I feel that day
I'm going to talk loud and fast
I'm going to walk slow and hug hard
I'm going to smile big, laugh louder, and jump around

I’m sick of watching what I say, not doing things in fear of getting judged, wondering what other people think - or will think, caring about what people think of me. Fuck it all. My happiness and how I want to be is not going to be hindered by other peoples thoughts, I’m done with that. I'm done with caring who is talking about me behind my back because there is always going to be someone saying something. People will talk about you till the day you die, and they'll talk about you even if you're the best most genuine person on earth. They'll hate you for all sorts of reasons, lies or truth. But make sure they hate you because the bad always hates the good, and not because you're an asshole plain and simple. I'm going to be open to everyone and all thoughts, I'm going to live my life, full speed ahead. Enough feeling sorry for myself, enough thinking of what others will think, enough with all that. Next time someone points a finger at me, i'll point them right to a mirror.

this is change
change is coming
full speed ahead
life is for the living, you should be fucking pumped you're here at all.

you dont have to believe me, but its the way I see it.

Camera whore?

Jun 8, 2009
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So i can be a bit of a camera whore sometimes. I can't help it I really like taking pictures. I guess that's why I'm a model.

Spill it

Feb 19, 2009
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So I’ve decided to spill it; the beans, the juice, my guts... Whatever you want to call it, consider it spilled.
Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of keeping just about everything true about myself, to myself... and for good reason - what people don’t know, people can’t use against you. I guess that’s my first confession. I fucking despise the way people operate. The way people go out of their way to find things out, only to throw them senselessly (BLINDLY) into conversation later. I don’t know if its intentional, (I guess that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t,) but frankly, it gets to me. Its the same kind of prying aggravation I feel when someone starts moving shit around in my room, or on my table. Stop putting hills in my rugs! Please. Call me OCD but if I put something somewhere, chances are, I wanted it there and it should remain that way. Its the same for anyone else. Let one’s own business remain that way.

anyways.

I’ve fallen into a depression lately - not emotionally, but I feel like my ability to open up to people has peaked over the past two years. I used to be so ready to say anything, without caring how it affected me, but recently I’ve become so protective of myself, not because I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, but because I might make myself look bad-- it’s disgusting. I never used to be so self-absorbed. Its like in every situation, I’m wearing a mask... Not just one mask, in fact, but many masks; Masks to hide masks between people - to hide certain sides of myself from those who disapprove where others don’t. I try so hard to win the approval of everyone. Why? Fucked if I know. I just love being the center of attention I guess.

And all this time I thought myself to be humble.

No sir. not at all.

But then, who really is humble?
Everyone wants to be loved, right? So am I wrong in looking out for my own well being? Who knows? It makes me sick to my stomach, regardless. I’ve unknowingly stumbled across so many insecurities lately that I feel like a different person at times. It’s like I’ve been born all over again, to a world where I have to carry myself differently. I’m still opinionated, I’m still eagerly in search of answers, but my motives have changed. I do it for myself now; for the praise and admiration I earn as a result of my actions, not for the simple pleasure found in just "doing it".
Maybe its all just part of growing up, as they say. Maturing... You know? But does it continue to change?

Will I stop acting like such an asshole? Who knows. It worries me. I don’t want to be like this, but its who I’ve become... What’s worse is that I don’t know who or what to blame for the transformation. That would be too easy, right?