15 posts tagged “lost”

You know when I was a freshman, I wasn't a very good person. And over the last four years, I've been forced to grow up. I stopped letting other people define me, and I started believing in myself, and in my potential ,and I became my own person, and I designed a clothing line, and somewhere along the way, the lost little party girl became the girl on the with hope of a better future. And I know what I did was wrong, I know, but the girl I was when I came to this school, I'm not sure she would've. And isn't that the point of high school? I mean, isn't that what you guys have been trying to teach us for the past four years?
I never thought that I'd miss high school so much, I've made amazing friends and learned so much about others as well as my self. I really am going to miss these people and I hope they are a part of my life when I am older.
As for me, I am headed to St John's University studying political science, but I will never stop designing clothes or modeling. And helping others with depression, addiction and eating disorders has become a part of my life.
I am content with who I am, and I understand my mistakes and am "adult" enough to face the world.
So watch out world, here I come.

"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."

I found that in my old diary, looking back at what I've written before really shows how much I've changed. My recovery from my depression has been an evolution not a miracle. I've gone through hard times from the help of my friends- one friend to be exact. All my friends did help me, but this friend helped me the most.

Although she does not know it, she's helped me go through my depression and help me completely recover from an eating disorder. I couldn't live with my self knowing that I killed my self...if that makes any sense. The plans we made, for the future is what kept me going, I had something to look froward to.

The cure for depression doesn't lie in therapy or in the hands of a doctor. You need to find a reason to live, you need to know there are people out there who care about you and love you. You need to make plans, for next week, a month later-for the future.

So find someone, someone you could completely trust and hang out with them. Spend time with that person and you'll soon find a reason to live again

For the past few months all I ever did was think of you. All day, all night; I'd sit there and wish things were like the ways they were before. I miss those long walks we took everyday. The way we would talk about living together after high school, spending every moment of my life with you.
I don't know if you realize that you mean so much to me, much more than anything.
I miss you, I missed you before. It's sunny out, and the weather is reminding me of you. Remember last year, everyday: I'd spend everyday with you. I'd give anything, anything for those days. Anything to have to back, back the way you were back then.
And now you're gone, planning to move far far away, hundreds of miles away, in a sunny place, where you can walk everyday. And here I am, staying in New York, knowing that I will miss you terribly, more than I miss you now.
Having thoughts of moving to paradise to, along with you; but I don't know if you'd want me there.

Moving on, sounds so much easier than it is. I doubt I'll ever move on, I love him so much. Why doesn't he see the my love for him is real, why doesn't he see that I'm dying with out him?
How could I possibly move on? I don't even know why I am so head-over-heals for this guy. I'm tired of hearing people say "You can do better", "He's as asshole, he doesn't know what he's missing out on" or "What a jerk, just forget him." Ok, so he really doesn't know what he just let go, but I can't forget him! I just wish, I wish that this would've never happened!
I wish that he would've never broken up with me. Does he think of me? Does he miss me, even a little? Does he still love me? Or even have feelings for me? Does he sometimes wish he didn't do what he did?
What does he want to find out there? What more could he ask for in a girl? As conceited as I am going to sound right now, I know I'm not ugly, I'm not repulsive or weird looking, I'm actually kind of hot. There I said it, I think I'm beautiful!
I know I dedicated my self 100% to this relationship, so why did he break up with me? I doubt he's going to find someone like me out there.
I know I can get any guy I want, I'm tired of people telling me that. I want him, only him. I'm tired of people telling me to go out and find a new guy, I don't want a new guy. I hope, he realizes that I'm the only one for him

I haven't written in a while, and it's because of all the stuff that's happened so far. During the past month, I've started a new career, gotten into a college, figured out what I want to do with my self, gotten in numerous fights with my parents and ran away from home.
Starting with the new career, I have been acting for a while already, so that's nothing new. I've always wanted to model, ever since I was a little girl. Modeling has been my passion and dream in life. I started modeling, I've notices that I don't have to be really tall to be a model, I've gotten many requests to do shoots and my modeling career is working out pretty well.
I also got into a college, I received my acceptance letter from St John's University. I think I wrote about this, I'm not sure. Now I have a back up college, which is good.
I realized I want to study international relations and business, I will become a diplomat or an ambassador. I also want to see how my acting career goes, I would love to be an actress and star in movies, but since the chances are low, I'm going to college.
If you know me well, you know I don't get along with my parents. They live in the 17th century, where females are locked up inside. They refuse to understand that I am a big girl now and I can take care of my self. I am 17, I need my space. They can't lock me up forever. This isn't like long ago, where girls were kept captive until they were married off to some unknown looser.
Things got so bad at home one day, I ran away. I didn't even know I was leaving, I went over my best friend's house and soon I found myself sleeping over at someone else's place. Unfortunately, I had to come home.

I have a few more months til I'm in college, I hope I can live til then.

Things aren't going so well. Everyday I go outside and I put on a fake smile, act like nothing's wrong. Outside-when I am not home, I am happy. I feel great, I seem to have every reason to live. I'm motivated to do my school work and be successful in life.
But once I get home, it's all over. I feel so depressed, the thoughts keep coming back. I can't stop it. There is so much negativity around me-from my mother and everyone else at my home.
I don't have a good relationship with my mother, I don't think my mother had a good relationship with anyone. She is not the type of person anyone would want to be friends with.
I come home and it's the same thing over and over again. The abusing never stops, sure she doesn't hit me-well atleast not anymore; but the things she says hurt-a lot. She doesn' know when to stop.This is supposed be the time where I should be getting love and support from my family. But instead I get mean words.  

Things aren't going so well lately.My parents are driving me nuts. I'm tried of hearing people say : "They're only doing this because they care about you." Yeah Right! You don't even know how much of a pain they are. There is a fine line between discipline and abuse, and they crossed that line.

I decided that I am going to be applying early decision to Dartmouth College. I want to be as far away from them as possible. I know I am going to miss New York, and all my friends here, but I can't take it anymore. Maybe going away for a while is just what I need. I need time to think and figure out what to do with myself. And Dartmouth is perfect, its a good school, in a quiet area and I might actually get in.

Fresh Starts,

Thanks to the calender, they happen every year.
Just set your watch to January.
our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year, bringing on the great tradition of new years resolutions, put your past behind you, and start over.
A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins?
It's not a day on a calender, not a birthday, not a new year.
It's an event.
big or small, something that changes us.
Ideally it gives us hope.
A new way of living and looking at the world.
Letting go of old habits, old memories.
Whats important, is that we never should stop believing we can have a new beginning.
but its also important to remember that amid all the crap, there are a few things really worth holding on too.

♥

Honestly, I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. In about 8 months I'll be on my own. I always wanted to leave home and run away before, but now that I'm older- and it's time for me to leave; I realize that I'm really not ready to be on my own. I'm never going to be able to pay for college and rent. I'll probably never be able to leave home, which will be awful. So I'll be stuck in this mad house forever?

Today me and my best freind were taking the train home, (lately we've been talking about our future) it came down to the same conversation we usually have, what's going to happen when we're in college. I'm pretty sure she'll get into a really good college, maybe even a ivy league, but me- i might not even get into any college. I'm not even sure what I want to do in the future!

So she tried figuring out what I was good at, and you know what that was? NOTHING! I'm good at nothing at all. My best freind couldn't even figure out what I'm good at, and that's just sad. I'm a pathetic looser wasting space on earth.

No one believes that their life will turn out "just kind-of" okay.

We all think we're going to be great, or at least some part deep down inside us.

And from the day we decide to be a certain someone, or something, we are filled with expectations.

Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, who we will touch, and the difference we will make.

Great expectations of who we will be. Where we will go, and then...
We get there.

We all think we're going to be great.
And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.

But sometimes, our expectations sell us short

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You have to wonder why we cling to our expectations;

the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing, still.

The expected is just the beginning.
grear
the unexpected, is what changes our lives