10 posts tagged “looser”

Fresh Starts,

Thanks to the calender, they happen every year.
Just set your watch to January.
our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year, bringing on the great tradition of new years resolutions, put your past behind you, and start over.
A chance to put the problems of last year to bed.

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins?
It's not a day on a calender, not a birthday, not a new year.
It's an event.
big or small, something that changes us.
Ideally it gives us hope.
A new way of living and looking at the world.
Letting go of old habits, old memories.
Whats important, is that we never should stop believing we can have a new beginning.
but its also important to remember that amid all the crap, there are a few things really worth holding on too.

♥

Honestly, I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. In about 8 months I'll be on my own. I always wanted to leave home and run away before, but now that I'm older- and it's time for me to leave; I realize that I'm really not ready to be on my own. I'm never going to be able to pay for college and rent. I'll probably never be able to leave home, which will be awful. So I'll be stuck in this mad house forever?

Today me and my best freind were taking the train home, (lately we've been talking about our future) it came down to the same conversation we usually have, what's going to happen when we're in college. I'm pretty sure she'll get into a really good college, maybe even a ivy league, but me- i might not even get into any college. I'm not even sure what I want to do in the future!

So she tried figuring out what I was good at, and you know what that was? NOTHING! I'm good at nothing at all. My best freind couldn't even figure out what I'm good at, and that's just sad. I'm a pathetic looser wasting space on earth.

No one believes that their life will turn out "just kind-of" okay.

We all think we're going to be great, or at least some part deep down inside us.

And from the day we decide to be a certain someone, or something, we are filled with expectations.

Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, who we will touch, and the difference we will make.

Great expectations of who we will be. Where we will go, and then...
We get there.

We all think we're going to be great.
And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.

But sometimes, our expectations sell us short

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You have to wonder why we cling to our expectations;

the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing, still.

The expected is just the beginning.
grear
the unexpected, is what changes our lives

In the eighth grade, my class had to read Romeo and Juliet.

I told my teacher that Juliet was an idiot. For starters, she falls in love with the one guy she knows she cant have. Then she blames fate for her bad decision.
My teacher explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window.

Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together; but just for a while, and then their time passed. If they could have known that beforehand, maybe it all would've been okay.

I said that when i was "grown-up" I would take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down.
My teacher said I'd be lucky if i ever had that kind of passion with someone.
And if i did, we'd be together forever.

Even now, i believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending.

And sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions,

fate wins anyways.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it all, all we really want is to be close to somebody.

So this thing where we all keep out distance, and pretend not to care about each other, its usually a load of bull.

So we pick, and choose who we want to remain close too. And once we've chosen these people, we tend to stick close by.

no matter how much we hurt them.

I have a three day weekend because of memorial day. I really needed a nice long break. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and when I think too much my head hurts.
It's funny sometimes I feel like just giving up and other times I want to succeed and do well.  Honestly, I do not know what to do with my self anymore.
Sometimes, I feel as if I can do well and live the life I've always wanted to live, other times I feel like I'm probably going to have a stupid job.

Back to the three day weekend, I'm planning to study. i know-I always say that and then never end up studying. But this time I will.
I started writing a college essay-the essay's you send with your application. It's about me! It's turning out pretty good, except for the fact that my thoughts are scattered and I'm getting no point across.

Do you want to know something funny? My best freind, Ayema-scares the crap out of me. I'm more scared of her than I am of my mother.  Is that normal? When I do something bad, like cut class, I think "Oh no I shouldn't do this. Ayema will be mad at me".
And usually I ask Ayema before I do something. This is a little strange isn't it? But I can tell Ayema everything, but sometimes I'm scared if she's going to get mad at me for my actions.
This is really funny, I told her that today. She just laughed-she was mad at me because I didn't go to gym and of something I said. I would write it down, but it'll make her angrier. I don't want to upset her. OMG...see how it is?

03-20-08_1140

Recently, I've been worried about my weight. I know I shouldn't be worried, I only weigh about 95 pounds. But my stomach has been expanding. It's not flat like it used to be. I think I'll start working out.
Girls have been obsessing over their weight for the longest time.  I don't want to be like those crazy anorexic girls. I don't want to binge and then barf. It's not healthy. Yet I can't help it.
My whole future seems to be depending on my looks, and I can't gain weight.
Usually I eat one meal a day, and thats lunch. For lunch, I normally have a cheese sandwich and a pespi. And sometimes after school, I go out and have a snack.
Hopefully, I won't be gaining much weight.

Today I woke up late. I got to school really late, I didn't feel like going to school but then I looked out and saw the nice weather. It was sunny and I said to my self "I'll go to school today and not go when its raining".
Today was a normal day, went by pretty fast. During lunch I went to the locker room, My freind Miriam said "Lets just leave our bags here, we have gym next period." In our school for gym we have to change into our gym uniforms in order to get credit.
So we left our stuff there, I took my wallet with me because I needed my money. We went outside to some Latin restaurant and I bought a fried potato and beef thing. It was pretty good.
We went back inside after lunch and changed into our uniforms for gym. I asked Miriam to put my wallet in the locker.

So I am walking to the subway station with my best freind-Ayema, I'm digging around for my wallet. I couldn't find my wallet! "OMG! I left it in the locker!"
I make her walk back to the school with me so I can retrieve my wallet from the locker. We go into the locker room, I open my locker, take everything out and my wallet's not there!
Ayema says "You sure its not in your bag?" She reached into my bag and starts taking out some of my items, and finally she takes out my wallet.
My wallet was in my bag all along. This isn't the first time I thought I lost my wallet, I loose things in my bag.

Ayema is going to check my bag every time I think I lost my wallet.

:D