4 posts tagged “home”

Moved out. Yes that's right--I've moved of of my parents home. If you have been reading my blog, you probably know that I've been talking about moving out from the very first day.

Well, it's happened. And being on my own is stressful, but easier in a sense. I have my own rules, eat when I want leave when I want and oh the best part of it all--sleep as much as I want. But I haven't really been getting any sleep. I have to go to class, and do home work and run around campus.

Sharing a dorm with two other people is a little tough. I'm not too good with sharing spaces, but it's working out. Hey atleast I have my own desk and own closet. Some of my friends, who are in college dorms, have told me that they do not have any space for thier clothes, I'm glad I have tons of space.

I keep reminding my self that I am paying a good amount of money--wait no an extremly large sum of money, more than an average housholds icome, to attend this school. I have to, cross that out--MUST-- do well. There will be no laziness and no procassination, I will get my work done.

So I’ve decided to spill it; the beans, the juice, my guts... Whatever you want to call it, consider it spilled.
Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of keeping just about everything true about myself, to myself... and for good reason - what people don’t know, people can’t use against you. I guess that’s my first confession. I fucking despise the way people operate. The way people go out of their way to find things out, only to throw them senselessly (BLINDLY) into conversation later. I don’t know if its intentional, (I guess that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t,) but frankly, it gets to me. Its the same kind of prying aggravation I feel when someone starts moving shit around in my room, or on my table. Stop putting hills in my rugs! Please. Call me OCD but if I put something somewhere, chances are, I wanted it there and it should remain that way. Its the same for anyone else. Let one’s own business remain that way.

anyways.

I’ve fallen into a depression lately - not emotionally, but I feel like my ability to open up to people has peaked over the past two years. I used to be so ready to say anything, without caring how it affected me, but recently I’ve become so protective of myself, not because I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, but because I might make myself look bad-- it’s disgusting. I never used to be so self-absorbed. Its like in every situation, I’m wearing a mask... Not just one mask, in fact, but many masks; Masks to hide masks between people - to hide certain sides of myself from those who disapprove where others don’t. I try so hard to win the approval of everyone. Why? Fucked if I know. I just love being the center of attention I guess.

And all this time I thought myself to be humble.

No sir. not at all.

But then, who really is humble?
Everyone wants to be loved, right? So am I wrong in looking out for my own well being? Who knows? It makes me sick to my stomach, regardless. I’ve unknowingly stumbled across so many insecurities lately that I feel like a different person at times. It’s like I’ve been born all over again, to a world where I have to carry myself differently. I’m still opinionated, I’m still eagerly in search of answers, but my motives have changed. I do it for myself now; for the praise and admiration I earn as a result of my actions, not for the simple pleasure found in just "doing it".
Maybe its all just part of growing up, as they say. Maturing... You know? But does it continue to change?
 
Will I stop acting like such an asshole? Who knows. It worries me. I don’t want to be like this, but its who I’ve become... What’s worse is that I don’t know who or what to blame for the transformation. That would be too easy, right?

One week away form the Early Decision Deadline for Dartmouth College.
I have one week to fill out the rest of my applications and send it out.
I also have one week to figure out if I am going to be able to stay so far away from home. Now that the deadline is approaching, I think that I might not be able to live so far away. Of course I'm going to be home sick, I;m going to miss my friends and my city. But most of all I'm going to miss my best friend, Ayema. Last year we used to talk about how we were going to go to college together and after college we were going to get an apartment together.
Our plans are falling apart. We are not going to the same college, and what if after college we are not good friends like we are now? What if we loose contact with each other? I really do hope we can be best friends--forever.

As for me, I'm applying early to Dartmouth. I guess I shouldn't be worrying about whether I will miss my BFF or my city. I might not even get accepted to the college. I hope I do though, but after those four years I'm coming back to the city-and moving in with Ayema
 

Honestly, I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. In about 8 months I'll be on my own. I always wanted to leave home and run away before, but now that I'm older- and it's time for me to leave; I realize that I'm really not ready to be on my own. I'm never going to be able to pay for college and rent. I'll probably never be able to leave home, which will be awful. So I'll be stuck in this mad house forever?

Today me and my best freind were taking the train home, (lately we've been talking about our future) it came down to the same conversation we usually have, what's going to happen when we're in college. I'm pretty sure she'll get into a really good college, maybe even a ivy league, but me- i might not even get into any college. I'm not even sure what I want to do in the future!

So she tried figuring out what I was good at, and you know what that was? NOTHING! I'm good at nothing at all. My best freind couldn't even figure out what I'm good at, and that's just sad. I'm a pathetic looser wasting space on earth.