9 posts tagged “eshita06”

Maybe some people aren't  meant to be happy-maybe I'm just one of those people. Life hasn't been treating me well lately. I try so hard, but never get anywhere. My efforts are useless.
I feel so motivated at times but when reality hits-I know I'm not going to accomplish anything. Maybe life isn't for me. I don't know.

Honestly, I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. In about 8 months I'll be on my own. I always wanted to leave home and run away before, but now that I'm older- and it's time for me to leave; I realize that I'm really not ready to be on my own. I'm never going to be able to pay for college and rent. I'll probably never be able to leave home, which will be awful. So I'll be stuck in this mad house forever?

Today me and my best freind were taking the train home, (lately we've been talking about our future) it came down to the same conversation we usually have, what's going to happen when we're in college. I'm pretty sure she'll get into a really good college, maybe even a ivy league, but me- i might not even get into any college. I'm not even sure what I want to do in the future!

So she tried figuring out what I was good at, and you know what that was? NOTHING! I'm good at nothing at all. My best freind couldn't even figure out what I'm good at, and that's just sad. I'm a pathetic looser wasting space on earth.

No one believes that their life will turn out "just kind-of" okay.

We all think we're going to be great, or at least some part deep down inside us.

And from the day we decide to be a certain someone, or something, we are filled with expectations.

Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, who we will touch, and the difference we will make.

Great expectations of who we will be. Where we will go, and then...
We get there.

We all think we're going to be great.
And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met.

But sometimes, our expectations sell us short

Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You have to wonder why we cling to our expectations;

the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing, still.

The expected is just the beginning.
grear
the unexpected, is what changes our lives

For everything that you go through, there are times when you don't have to be strong.

There are times when it's healthy to cry, to scream, to be mad.

And whether its madness in anger, or sadness, or in both, you dont have to pretend to be strong.

when every heart beat hurts.

In the eighth grade, my class had to read Romeo and Juliet.

I told my teacher that Juliet was an idiot. For starters, she falls in love with the one guy she knows she cant have. Then she blames fate for her bad decision.
My teacher explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window.

Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together; but just for a while, and then their time passed. If they could have known that beforehand, maybe it all would've been okay.

I said that when i was "grown-up" I would take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down.
My teacher said I'd be lucky if i ever had that kind of passion with someone.
And if i did, we'd be together forever.

Even now, i believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending.

And sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions,

fate wins anyways.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it all, all we really want is to be close to somebody.

So this thing where we all keep out distance, and pretend not to care about each other, its usually a load of bull.

So we pick, and choose who we want to remain close too. And once we've chosen these people, we tend to stick close by.

no matter how much we hurt them.

I have a three day weekend because of memorial day. I really needed a nice long break. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and when I think too much my head hurts.
It's funny sometimes I feel like just giving up and other times I want to succeed and do well.  Honestly, I do not know what to do with my self anymore.
Sometimes, I feel as if I can do well and live the life I've always wanted to live, other times I feel like I'm probably going to have a stupid job.

Back to the three day weekend, I'm planning to study. i know-I always say that and then never end up studying. But this time I will.
I started writing a college essay-the essay's you send with your application. It's about me! It's turning out pretty good, except for the fact that my thoughts are scattered and I'm getting no point across.

Today was an average day, I spend the whole day thinking.
If you know me really well, you probably know that I really want to be in a pageant. I applied for Miss Teen New York USA, and i got accepted.
Now I am a state finalist. I've been thinking if I should really go. I have never been in a pageant before, I have no past experience, and this is a big competition.
I probably don't even have a chance. The pageant fee is $1000, I do not have that type of money. I can get sponsors, but sponsors are hard to find. I know, go to family run businesses, but I live in new york city, most of the businesses are giant mega businesses. They are like chain stores.
I'm really not sure what to do, I dot what to go and  not win.
I'm really at a confused state right now.