16 posts tagged “eshita starr”

The repetition of every day life kills.
It ruins the flow of my creative juices. No joke. On days that I sleep in, I go to bed feeling exhausted, and yet, I never sleep on the weekends, when I should want rest. I don’t.
It would be a waste of freedom.
Why spend time on parole in seclusion, you know? I’m only tired on weekdays - only when I know I have to drag myself out of my fucking room to take a shower and go to school, and then maybe off to work. Maybe I’m not tired. Maybe it’s just a natural defense against running myself into the ground with routine.
I feel pale, and sick, and run down... For no reason. I eat right. I see the light of day. I breathe fresh air all the time. I love the outdoors. Shit. I'm pretty content with my life. But between Monday and Friday I feel so transient... My head isn’t in the clouds - My feet aren’t on the ground. Where am I?
I don’t know, but frankly, it sucks.

I have some good friends. We party or talk about 'deep' stuff or I can just tell them anything I want. The occasional dramatic scene is worth it. People naturally don’t get along with one another. It’s all a matter of how tolerant people are. I have some tolerant friends. In turn, I think I put up with my share of bullshit. It’s like a cycle of tough loving. But it works. It keeps me sane. In the end I think we really do love each other. bahaha, aweee?

She crushes my heart
But spares my mind
She rips & tears my body apart
Yet she leaves my soul behind
How can I stand to deny her?
Once you’ve had a taste you’ll try her.

Love for food has come back
She slashes me with whips of emotion
I try to run but always come back
To my seething devotion
Back to my best friends;
Ana & Mia

She wreaks my bones
But mends my soul
She’s a jealous one; I serve her alone
She leaves me broken & yet I am whole
How can I stand to resist or doubt her?
I simply cannot exist without her.

My body is sick and I’m tired
But my mind is sharp and I’m fired
A feeling like this
Are Ana Mia’s blessed bliss.
My mouth pulses with revulsion
With my fevered devotion
For my best friends;
Ana & Mia

She shows me my bones
And tells me how she’s proud
But she ignores my moans
And tells me to sleep when I cry aloud
How can I stand not to lie for her?
When I would gladly die for her.

Another day; another fast
Maybe Ana & Mia will take me home at last
“Am I skinny enough now?” I ask as I close my eye
“You’ll be skinny enough when you die.”
Ana & Mia reply
It’s not a lie

So I’ve decided to spill it; the beans, the juice, my guts... Whatever you want to call it, consider it spilled.
Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of keeping just about everything true about myself, to myself... and for good reason - what people don’t know, people can’t use against you. I guess that’s my first confession. I fucking despise the way people operate. The way people go out of their way to find things out, only to throw them senselessly (BLINDLY) into conversation later. I don’t know if its intentional, (I guess that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t,) but frankly, it gets to me. Its the same kind of prying aggravation I feel when someone starts moving shit around in my room, or on my table. Stop putting hills in my rugs! Please. Call me OCD but if I put something somewhere, chances are, I wanted it there and it should remain that way. Its the same for anyone else. Let one’s own business remain that way.

anyways.

I’ve fallen into a depression lately - not emotionally, but I feel like my ability to open up to people has peaked over the past two years. I used to be so ready to say anything, without caring how it affected me, but recently I’ve become so protective of myself, not because I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, but because I might make myself look bad-- it’s disgusting. I never used to be so self-absorbed. Its like in every situation, I’m wearing a mask... Not just one mask, in fact, but many masks; Masks to hide masks between people - to hide certain sides of myself from those who disapprove where others don’t. I try so hard to win the approval of everyone. Why? Fucked if I know. I just love being the center of attention I guess.

And all this time I thought myself to be humble.

No sir. not at all.

But then, who really is humble?
Everyone wants to be loved, right? So am I wrong in looking out for my own well being? Who knows? It makes me sick to my stomach, regardless. I’ve unknowingly stumbled across so many insecurities lately that I feel like a different person at times. It’s like I’ve been born all over again, to a world where I have to carry myself differently. I’m still opinionated, I’m still eagerly in search of answers, but my motives have changed. I do it for myself now; for the praise and admiration I earn as a result of my actions, not for the simple pleasure found in just "doing it".
Maybe its all just part of growing up, as they say. Maturing... You know? But does it continue to change?
 
Will I stop acting like such an asshole? Who knows. It worries me. I don’t want to be like this, but its who I’ve become... What’s worse is that I don’t know who or what to blame for the transformation. That would be too easy, right?

Love stinks. It really does. People would warn me about love, about how it screws you up. How it plays tricks on you. I remember being younger, dating guys for the hell of it. Never realizing that one day the tables would turn on me.
I never had relationship issues, the thing with me was that I'd get over guys pretty easy. It was simple: just get a new guy. Plus I've never been left before, so I had no reason to worry.
But now, I'm older, things are a bit more serious. I fell for a guy, I fell hard and fast, don't even know why. I've never fallen so hard before, never have I thought of someone like this before. But here I am, same girl from a few months back, same girl who would never let a guy take control of her emotions, same girl who said "I would never get hurt, because I usually hurt the guys."
Yeah, the same girl. The one who'd everyone look at and think that she'd never fall for a guy like that. No, I was too strong, too strong to love like that. Too strong to have a silly emotion to take control of my entire life.
Look at me now, I'm the one hurt. I'm the one thinking to myself "Wtf happened?" How could I let this happen? How did I loose myself like this?
It hurts to look back at the girl I used to be, will I ever be like her again? Will I ever be as strong as her? I've learned my lesson, I really have.
I'm going back, back to my old ways. Back to the ruthless, apathetic little girl. The girl with no emotions what-so-ever. The girl I really am.

I don't know how many times I've repeated to myself "everything's gonna be alright, just breath, wait it out.", trillions probably. And yet, IS everything going to be alright? no, a lot of things aren't alright, and aren't going to get better. You may see me as a pessimist, but that's how I think. I have my good days and bad, but really, ever since we're born, we're dieing, be it inside, or out.

Lately, I've had to make a bunch of huge decisions about myself, on my own, and I've been scared out of my mind whether i made the right decision. I hate making decisions, I hate choosing for myself. 
Usually I'm not like this, and a really laid back person as far as everyone sees, but things have just been caving in lately.

I've always done what i wanted without really thinking, choosing what I want to do at the time, and doing it. I'm one of those people who pick goals, and work for them until they get what they want. You know, those people who don't stop at all, until they get that thing. Well, that's usually me. And probably you too, And probably someone else also. Then, around us, other people are sitting down, relaxing, taking life very easy, and somehow waiting for death and nothing else. it's a very interesting contrast, and when you think about it for too long it gets confusing.

honestly, these are millions of questions running around in my mind.

I'm sure its normal for every person to have a time, or more times in their lives where they just stop and question it all, and need someone to just listen to them, and no matter who it is going through it, its all really, really confusing.

so is everything going to be all right?
i don't know.

cancer, treatments, global warming, people dieing, people leaving, things changing, drugs.

We all know the story of Pandora and her box. At her time, humans lived in happiness and had no troubles. Pandora was given a box as a gift, but she was told not to open it. But Pandora's curiosity got the best of her, one day she could take no more so she opened the box.
Out came misery, illness, grief, sadness, and all the sorrow of the world. At the very end out came hope.
That little ray of hope that flew out of Pandora's box keeps me going. That little bit of hope lets me believe that he will come back to me.
Although we look at hope as a good thing, we rarely see how it can tear us apart. Why should be be hoping for a better life? Why should we hope to have our love come back to us? Why couldn't Pandora keep her stupid box shut?
This is why we have sadness in the world, because a pretty little featherhead couldn't do a simple task.

Lately I've been taking pictures of me on my webcam. Don't really know why, probably out of boredom.

Things aren't going so well lately.My parents are driving me nuts. I'm tried of hearing people say : "They're only doing this because they care about you." Yeah Right! You don't even know how much of a pain they are. There is a fine line between discipline and abuse, and they crossed that line.

I decided that I am going to be applying early decision to Dartmouth College. I want to be as far away from them as possible. I know I am going to miss New York, and all my friends here, but I can't take it anymore. Maybe going away for a while is just what I need. I need time to think and figure out what to do with myself. And Dartmouth is perfect, its a good school, in a quiet area and I might actually get in.

Maybe some people aren't  meant to be happy-maybe I'm just one of those people. Life hasn't been treating me well lately. I try so hard, but never get anywhere. My efforts are useless.
I feel so motivated at times but when reality hits-I know I'm not going to accomplish anything. Maybe life isn't for me. I don't know.