They're not the same.
December is a bittersweet feeling. This year especially. It makes me feel uneasy as if my heart is racing and beating so hard, it's actually visible. I feel these rushes from when I thought it was more under control or better taken care of. When everything was on a normal beat and easy. But, I also have no concept of time. So it feels like yesterday. It's a mind trick. I'm not entirely famous for my 'sharp' memory, though I am famous for remembering stupid little details. I think on purpose or just because I choose to block or forget the crucial moments that got me here.
Whenever I feel weak, or lost, I forget. I forget to remember what really happened. I forget what brought me to December and what foolish things I overlooked and accepted. What careless actions and words that are now the fake rush that makes my heart beat so hard. I need to learn to have a better balance with my mind so that it remembers and stops the harsh beating. Today, of all days, I remembered. It brought me to ease. I'm not interested in your declarations. I'm not interested in your patterns. I'm not interested in your empty tool box, or your ability to not show up. More importantly,I'mnot interested in your easy words. Hi 2010. Be sweet to me.
]]>Its a weird feeling to be thinking about someone. Another weird feeling is wondering if they're thinking about you. Almost makes you numb to think about it that much. Makes you feel separated from everyone else because you're so inside yourself from thinking so much. On the other hand, it could also be that I just don't think about stuff very often. That's another weird feeling... Separation. You'd think with being so "out of the loop" that you would feel, I guess "weird", but you don't. You're still thinking about that someone.
Maybe relationships are good for people. Keeps your head out of the clouds, out of that would be, could be, was. Keep you from feeling so weird. I haven't done this in a while. Looses the whole thinking in about a week. There's a weird feeling attached to all this. I'm not sure what the feeling is, normally I'm really good at putting words to feelings. Expressive. I can't. If you can though, feel free to let me know. Its normal, its natural. But its just not there. Or maybe it is, and I'm just not used to it.
I am too comfortable with you. Now that I'm around you in such ways, this new could be, would be what is bringing on that "weird" feeling. I'm not sure if I like it. Maybe I like it too much. Keeps it interesting.
Whatever it is... I'm waiting for something to happen
]]>As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back
]]>Have you ever thought that you are water to be absorbed into the earth and not just humans that are better than the earth and need chemicals to preserve them and kill the earth and coffins that prevent our bodies from feeding our earth our home, the reason we live?
Have you ever thought that you are really more stupid than the animals, and by creating the life that we as humans live is really one of the most stupid thing that anything could have done?
Have you ever thought that eating another animal is fine but eating a human is disgusting and not right? But then thought about it and realized that it is not any different because we humans are animals ourselves and eating ourselves would be not such a bad thing, that maybe we wouldn't have to house animals on farms and slaughter them?
Did you ever feel like rubbing up against the trees and singing sweet lullaby's to the soil bellow your feet?
Have you ever felt like rubbing up against a person with so much passion, you just want them to know how you are feeling?
Keep your lives up, feel the pain in your arms as you bend them ,the blood flowing will hurt less than the hurt of emotion.
All I know is what comes attached with this. It's complicated, uneasy, and boring. It will be the same. But, If we stay where we are, it will be easy. So you be you, and I'll be whoever I feel like impressing you with that day. It's that feeling where you creep in my bones, ring in my ears, and show up. I'm irresponsible with my heart. Fuck. I'm only our countless conversations. No more. Maybe, less. I didn't plan it. It just happened. And I'm sorry. I don't know how to explain it. I come with gestures and remarks. Until it gets serious. I'm not interested in serious. I don't remember how to be in it. I just know how to 'act as if'.The only thing I remember is when my heart drops. And that's only because it's something I can't help. If I could fake that, I probably would. Still interested? Uh huh... I'm not talking about a year. No, not three or four. I don't want that kind of forever in my life anymore. Forever always seems to be around when it begins, but forever never seems to be around when it ends.
Lately I feel like I’ve been holding everyone together. Everyone else has all these concerns, problems, and bad things going on in their lives, and here I am just floating along I guess. I listen to other people’s probelms more than I care about my own. I hear all about people’s inconveniences more than I have any/care for my own. It seems as if I’m always the one to hear about other peoples problems.. it’s not that I mind or anything, because I honestly don’t, I love being there for my friends and would listen to anyone’s problems forever, it just really makes me think. There are so many bigger problems, more important problems, more things going wrong in our world and we’re tripping out over a person who cut us off while driving? Freaking because our parents are being “unfair” or “not listening” to you? Sure, that sucks, but is it reeeeally that big of an issue?
People all around us have far bigger problems. People all over are starving, having to drink shit water, not having a roof over their heads, have no parents, can’t go to school, or don’t know where their next meal is coming from. Some people are so disadvantaged that they will never leave their little town somewhere in Africa because they don’t have the education to. Is the fact that you have to get up a little earlier for school THAT big of an issue? Because your parents wont continue to pay your cell phone bill THAT big of an issue? I mean, come on people! You’re 18? It’s time to start growing up.
Maybe its just how I am, but I just take things as they come, deal with them however, and forget about them. I find another way around, downplay the situation to make it easier to deal with, or let it float on by. I don’t sit around and cry about whatever problem is going on in my life, I don’t whine to my mom, or some friend, I don’t have a frown on my face constantly because of something that happened last week - And I don’t see why anyone else should. It doesn’t do you any good to sit around and wallow in your problems. It doesn’t do you any good to go on and on about them to someone. It doesn’t do you any good to whine about things that really don’t matter that much. You shouldn’t spend time frowning when you could be smiling.
Some people have REAL problems.
]]>I love so much and think so little. Spend my time doing, instead of contemplating. I mean, I think enough, I just don't over do. I think that's why I'm so happy. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I think far too much than I'm meant to, but I think I work on balancing it out with the whole "wearing my heart on my sleeve" thing. It works for me, at least.
I have far too much time on my hands, and not enough to do. I keep myself busy with little tasks and things I can laugh at later. Its probably a "self protection" thing One of those things you do to keep yourself from thinking. Maybe that's why I think so little. I'm not too sure.
I spend a lot of my time doing things people may see as "childish". I escape into disney movies, building forts in my bedroom, coloring in coloring books, and mixing funny things together to see how it'll taste. I'm a teenager, but I'll be doing this until I'm 75 I'm sure. At least I hope.
Hope. That's another big thing. I hope for a lot of things. Hoping for hope is the biggest. Another thing about me is that I don't "hope" for material things. Near never, though I have been known for the occasional materialistic want. I hope for experiences. I hope to be able to put myself into situations where I can change myself. Where I can change the way I think. Better myself.
I don't take myself too seriously. Come to think of it, I don't take myself seriously at all. I'm a simple person. I don't think too much. I worry just enough for the ones I care about. I don't have any hidden meanings, or things I wish I would have said. I'm good at the art of shrugging things off.
As doctor seusse once said, "think what you want, but mean what you say" something along those lines anyways.
Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, graduating high school, saying goodbye; that feeling that you get at 17 or 18- that nobody in the history of the world has ever been this close, has ever loved as fiercely or laughed as hard, or cared as much. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday - and sometimes it feels like someone else's memory.