Broken Butterflies

The past week was possibly THE best week of my life, I spent so much time with people who really bring the best out of the people around them , and it was awesome.
these past few years and last week especially, have taught me a lot about myself- a lot.
They’ve taught me about myself, more than I ever thought I could know and that I am a much stronger person than I was giving myself credit for.
They’ve also taught me quite a bit about the people I choose to surround myself with and how I love each and every one of them as if they were my own blood.

I can only hope that being in touch with these people, or new found friends, will be something that continues to happen.
I've met a lot of people along the way who have definitely impacted my life even if the time with them was short lived, every single person I met, whether it be at school, in passing, have known all my life but never took the time to really KNOW, or in another way has definitely made the experience what it was.

I’d like to thank anyone whose been a part of my life, as i said, whether it were in passing or someone I'd seen daily. You’ve all been something special i would not have been able to do this with out.

You know when I was a freshman, I wasn't a very good person. And over the last four years, I've been forced to grow up. I stopped letting other people define me, and I started believing in myself, and in my potential ,and I became my own person, and I designed a clothing line, and somewhere along the way, the lost little party girl became the girl on the with hope of a better future. And I know what I did was wrong, I know, but the girl I was when I came to this school, I'm not sure she would've. And isn't that the point of high school? I mean, isn't that what you guys have been trying to teach us for the past four years?
I never thought that I'd miss high school so much, I've made amazing friends and learned so much about others as well as my self. I really am going to miss these people and I hope they are a part of my life when I am older.
As for me, I am headed to St John's University studying political science, but I will never stop designing clothes or modeling. And helping others with depression, addiction and eating disorders has become a part of my life.
I am content with who I am, and I understand my mistakes and am "adult" enough to face the world.
So watch out world, here I come.

"I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible..."

I found that in my old diary, looking back at what I've written before really shows how much I've changed. My recovery from my depression has been an evolution not a miracle. I've gone through hard times from the help of my friends- one friend to be exact. All my friends did help me, but this friend helped me the most.

Although she does not know it, she's helped me go through my depression and help me completely recover from an eating disorder. I couldn't live with my self knowing that I killed my self...if that makes any sense. The plans we made, for the future is what kept me going, I had something to look froward to.

The cure for depression doesn't lie in therapy or in the hands of a doctor. You need to find a reason to live, you need to know there are people out there who care about you and love you. You need to make plans, for next week, a month later-for the future.

So find someone, someone you could completely trust and hang out with them. Spend time with that person and you'll soon find a reason to live again

Hollister- the store where all the "beachy" people are. The store I wanted to work at this summer, the only store I'll ever work in, because I only do office work.
Did I get the job? Maybe? Well I did, but I probably lost it...thanks to my mother.
I just love how I lose everything good in my life because of her. She always finds a way to screw me over. Mothers are supposed to help you out not fuck you over and then laugh at you

There are moments in our lives where we find ourselves at a crossroads, afraid, confused and without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us choose to turn around and go back, but once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or give someone a second chance, something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream, because it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you are, that you discover who you can be. The person you can be does exist, beyond the hard work, faith, belief, and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead.

Every year it seems like the months go by faster.. when I was younger, time used to go by so slow and I wanted so much from life but I had to wait until school was over. I had to wait for what my mother called "growing up" - I am almost out of high school. I'm 17 now and the days are going by so fast it's hard to look back on everything.. You sometimes don't realize what you have accomplished until you sit down for a second and reflect on everything that's happened in life. You remember where you came from and it makes you actually feel like you've done something important.

SO much has happened this past year. A few years ago I was just a depressed kid from New York who had a dream, becoming a model. I'd look at everyone in front of the camera and think "I should be there.." I'd think that being behind the scenes wasn't for me. Seeing others on stage made me want this more than anything.. and now [fast forward] I've danced in front of 3000 people. I've done photoshoots, been in flims.. I've worked so hard for what I wanted..I've met so many amazing new friends along this journey and now I can support myself and buy everything I've ever wanted.. I can say fuck you to all the nonbelievers and I LOVE YOU too all the people who understand what I'm about and enjoy WHAT and WHO I am.. it's crazy to think I was just some kid who people thought would never be anything. I always felt like I never wanted follow the boring path that everyone else was gonna take and I stuck to what I believed in. It's funny when people pretend to dislike me and say "what do you even DO?."

I'm a actress, model, clothing designer and beauty queen ;)
BUT, I don't do ANYTHING right?

Now I can sit here and reflect on life and realize that I'm actually HAPPY sometimes.. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I was so used to being  unhappy, that I forgot to look at the past, if that makes sense..
I have so much planned for the next year.. there are so many things to accomplish and I can't wait to start doing it all.. If you ever feel like giving up [because we all do, I feel like that all the time..] just know that anything is possible

I love being able to laugh and smile about life.. I guess, I just want everyone to not feel so closed in about the future. When you're 16, you can't have it all. You have to wait and suffer and go through life, it's called LIVING. And it may suck right now, but it makes you who YOU are. I'm glad I haven't had everything handed to me, because then I wouldn't appreciate it at all.

I do not like this brownish spot. I do not like this dark black dot. I do not like this odd-shaped mole. I do not like this porous hole. I'd wear more sunblock here and there. I'd wear more sunblock everywhere. It looks as though, I'm sad to say, that you have cancer here today.

Last summer I noticed that there was a small, tiny bump on the palm of my hand. After a while the bump grew,  became noticable. It was still the same color as my skin so people did not really spot it.

A few weeks later, the little bump changed colors, to a pale yellow and then to a light brown. From light brown it went to dark brown and grew and shrunk a few times. Right now it's a light shade of brown and smaller then before.

I do not know what it is! My friends told me to go to the doctors to get it checked out, might be some form of skin cancer. I looked it up online...and it's possible.

Sure I tan a lot, and I might not wear sunscreen a lot-but I'm not outside enough to devolp skin cancer.

I just want this dot to go away!

If there is a YouTube moment from the Miss USA Pageant, it may be Miss California's answer to a question about legalizing same-sex marriage. The tall blonde stumbled some before giving an answer that appeared to please the pageant audience.

"We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage," Prejean said. "And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised."

Some in the audience cheered, others booed. The answer sparked a shouting match in the lobby after the show.

"It's ugly," said Scott Ihrig, a gay man, who attended the pageant with his partner. "I think it's ridiculous that she got first runner-up. That is not the value of 95 percent of the people in this audience. Look around this audience and tell me how many gay men there are."

Charmaine Koonce, the mother of Miss New Mexico USA Bianca Carla, argued back.

"In the Bible it says marriage is between Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!"

Miss Southeast New York's Outstanding Teen- that's me.

I finally entered a pageant and won! Well, I drove all my buddies insane with all the "pageant talk" I've been doing for the past few years, yes years- but it was all worth it.

I'm so excited and yes, nervous for the state pageant this june. I have so much work to do, I need to be prepared.

I will be dancing to Esmeralda from Don Quoixte (sp?) for my talent. I'm not sure if I should dance on point or not. I want to, but I'm not trained in pointe, I know my feet are strong enought but- it scares me a little.

I know I can't get a dance instructer now, my parents wouldnt want to pay for it. Maybe I should take the risk, just train my self. It might work out, after all "You'll never know unless you try" .

Here are some pics from the pageant. I know I'm slouching but my dress was coming off, the tape lost it's sticky[ness after a while. (Note to self: buy smaller dress)